This list is also available by semi-automatic email server. Mail the above address with the subject line "Send FAQ" and be prepared to receive this file in YOUR emailbox at speeds faster than humanity has ever before encountered, almost. THE ALT.FAN.JEREMY-REIMER FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST (Periodic posting) ============================================================================ Version 0.9999911119zzzzzxxy (beta 3 release candidate 0) (Last updated: March 23, 1999) Last updated before that: March 22, 1994 (no kidding!) 1. WHO THE HELL IS JEREMY REIMER? Good question. Well, he's just this guy. He's not famous or brilliant and he does not possess super-strength, or even super-spelling. 2. SO WHY THE HELL DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN USENET GROUP? The correct term would be _Alternate_ Usenet group, or Alt. group. Not quite the same as a "regular" Usenet group. Not as valuable, as well- propagated, or as high in calories. This group was newgrouped by Joel "Moderator of alt.config" Furr, after an earnest, passionate plea for a proper newsgroup for Jeremy Reimer's postings by Jeremy Reimer himself, on alt.config. It wasn't actually my idea, but I eagerly accepted it after the fact. 3. SO HOW COME IT HASN'T SHOWN UP ON MY SITE? Because Tim Pierce promptly newgrouped it, as Tim Pierce is wont to do. 4. IS TIM PIERCE REALLY A DORK? He's just a guy, you know. 5. HOW CAN I GET ALT.FAN.JEREMY-REIMER SENT TO MY SITE? Ask your sysadmin. He/she will either a) laugh in your face electronically, b) ignore you disdainfully, or c) do both and also carry the group at your site. 6. WHY WOULD I _WANT_ TO GET ALT.FAN.JEREMY-REIMER AT MY SITE? Because it has more traffic than alt.fan.bill-gates. Because on a rare occasion, it has been known to contain humorous, irreverent posts. Because I asked you to, nicely. 7. ARE YOU A CRETIN? No. 8. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU _DESERVE_ YOUR OWN USENET, SORRY, ALT. GROUP? Not really. 9. SO WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME WITH THIS CRAP? Because in the future, only people who _don't_ want their own .fan groups will be allowed to have one. I'm just ahead of the wave. 10. IS THIS FAQ EVER GOING TO GET FUNNY? Perhaps. 11. HAS ANYONE EVER ACTUALLY _ASKED_ ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS? No. 12. THEN WHY IS THIS CALLED A _FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS_ LIST? Because "List of Questions that, if this group were actually read by more than two people, would probably be asked quite Frequently, instead of never, which is currently the case" wouldn't fit in the Subject: line. 13. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY READ THIS GROUP? I have no idea. 14. SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE AT LEAST SOME IDEA? I plan on asking. This probably won't help, however. 15. WHY DON'T YOU JUST READ NEWS.LISTS? Because this group isn't big enough for News.Lists. 16. THAT'S PRETTY PATHETIC. Hey, we're just starting out, you know. 17. HOW LONG DO YOU PLAN ON HAVING THIS GROUP, ANYWAY? The rest of my life. 18. REALLY? Or until the Imminent Death of the Net. 19. IS IT THAT IMMINENT??? Not really. 20. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE NET, ANYWAY? Since about 1989. The Net has stubbornly refused to die since then. It is still the only communications network designed to be immune to nuclear attack. 21. DO YOU THINK ANYONE WOULD EVER ATTACK ALT.FAN.JEREMY-REIMER WITH NUKES? Quite possibly. 22. WOULD WE SURVIVE THAT? Yes, most definitely. 23. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE INTERESTING QUESTIONS? When you start asking them. 24. OK, SMARTASS, HERE'S ONE. WHAT POSTS ARE APPROPRIATE IN THIS GROUP? Anything is appropriate in alt.fan.jeremy-reimer, except posts complaining about other posts. That is, this group is the place that I always wanted to be able to post stuff and not have anybody whine about it. Or at least, not that many people. 25. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MORE POSTS IN THIS GROUP? Yes. 26. ARE WE EVER LIKELY TO SEE MORE POSTS IN THIS GROUP? Oh, certainly. 27. OTHER THAN CROSSPOSTS? Well, maybe. 28. WHAT ABOUT ALL THE COOL STUFF YOU'VE DONE, STUFF THAT HAS NO REAL PLACE, LIKE THE N-MAN SERIES, OR PARODIES LIKE THE STUDLY-OS MARKET ANNOUNCEMENT SHEET, OR EVEN WEIRDER THINGS THAT NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN YET, BUT ARE OCCASIONALLY MILDLY AMUSING, WHICH IS BETTER THAN MOST OF USENET? Yes, all that is going to be posted here. That and pictures of my OS/2 desktop. 29. OH HELL. I KNEW OS/2 WAS GOING TO GET MENTIONED EVENTUALLY. Well, I _am_ the OS/2ibo. 30. WILL OS/2 SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS? No, but Studly-OS(tm) will. 31. WHAT IS STUDLY-OS? Wait for the Studly-OS posting. 32. BUT YOU REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* LIKE OS/2, DON'T YOU? It's a very violent love/hate relationship, but otherwise, yes. 33. WHY? Why not? 34. THAT'S A VERY GOOD ANSWER. Thank-you. 35. DO YOU HATE MICROSOFT? Microsoft does not exist. In fact, the entire company is staffed by trained mice. 36. BUT DIDN'T MICE WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, OR SOMETHING? You're thinking of the pan-dimensional kind in Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 37. OH YEAH. They have no affiliation with Microsoft. 38. AREN'T MICROSOFT-HATERS SUPPOSED TO CALL IT MICROSCUM, OR MICROSLUDGE, OR MICROSLIME, OR SOMETHING? The worst thing anybody can call Microsoft, is Microsoft. 39. OUCH. _THAT_ HURT. Good. 40. ARE WE EVER GOING TO GET TO THE END OF THIS FAQ? Maybe, if you stop asking so many stupid questions. 41. ALL RIGHT. I'M DONE. THANKS. No, thank-YOU. 42. NO, THANK-_YOU_. That looked a bit like John_-_Winston! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ** NOW WE ENTER THE ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS NEW UPDATED PART OF THE FAQ! *** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 43. SO WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS? To hell and back, although not literally of course. I took a brief, four- year "Usenet Holiday" which I have now officially ended. 44. WHAT THE HELL IS A USENET HOLIDAY? It's like a drug holiday, although not as much fun, except when it ends. 45. SO WHAT'S CHANGED IN YOUR LIFE SINCE THEN? Oh, a lot a lot a lot. I gave up on OS/2 when the second beta of Win95 was faster and more stable. No foolin. So I am no longer the OS/2ibo. In the real world, I finally graduated, got my BSc in Physics and the damn picture on the wall for all the geeks to ignore. I worked at many different jobs, tried many different things. I was even a high-school teacher teaching math in a high-profile private school. I don't do that anymore. 46. SO WHAT HAPPENED? The job was fundamentally opposed to the way I needed to live my life, so let's just leave it at that. 47. SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW? Miscellaneous, rather well-paying computer stuff, including Y2K work, and studying to be a 3D computer animator. 48. WHAT THE HELL DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? Well, _you_ asked. 49. NO, YOU ASKED! Oh all right. Fine. Just let me live my own life. 50. NO. JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTENCE, OR WE'LL KILL YOU. Okay. I've lived. I've laughed. I've made lots of people laugh. I've made very few people cry, and made even fewer angry. I've been kind to people and helped people, and not just because I had to. I've loved and been loved by people, although not nearly enough of them. I've made people think and I've thought about things myself. I've learned many things, and I've learned not to be so hard on other people, and not be nearly so hard on myself. 51. DAMN, YOU JUST JUSTIFIED YOUR EXISTENCE. Hah hah! 52. OK, CAN WE LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU THEN? Yes! Just go to my web page at http://members.home.net/jreimeris and you'll find out more than you ever wanted to know! You can see a whole bunch of my old .sigs, examples of my weird sense of humor, my philosophy of life, some pictures of me, my collection of funny stories about N-Man, and a whole lot more! Bring the family! Sign the guestbook! Crank up that hit counter to ridiculous levels by constant reloading! You can even go and find this document, and read it again in HTML form! 53. OKAY, OKAY, I'LL GO ALREADY! So what are you waiting for? 54. ONE LAST THING. WHY IS THIS NEWSGROUP STILL AROUND, ANYWAY? It's the magic of Usenet! Despite Tim Pierce, most news sites ignored the rmgroup command, because if they didn't they would have the problem of all the bogus rmgroup commands. Also, for awhile there were humorous people who would automatically newgroup any newsgroup that had been rmgrouped. And thanks to the magic of spamming, alt.fan.jeremy-reimer always had posts like "Make money fast!" or "Hot teen girls ready for you!" even during my long absence. In these enlightened days, everyone has lots of bandwidth and so it simply doesn't make sense not to carry any one specific newsgroup, even the silly ones (although a few sites still block the weirder pornography newsgroups, and don't ask me how I know that!) So alt.fan.jeremy-reimer will live forever, no matter what anyone does. 55. SO THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE RID OF ALT.FAN.JEREMY-REIMER?? No, never! Muahahahaaaa! 56. OH FINE. NICE TALKING TO YOU. Yes it was, wasn't it? =========================================================================== Thus we come to the end of the FAQ. Any questions that you wish to be added to the FAQ, please post with the subject line "FAQ Addition", and your suggestion will be promptly considered, if it is zany enough, that is.